Classic College Memes: The Purity Test (slightly NSFW)

I am sure that Mr. Blutarsky's purity test score was in the negative numbers.

I am sure that Mr. Blutarsky’s purity test score was in the negative numbers.

The Internet is full of memes–lists, gifs, videos, and other things that often go viral–and that’s been the case since, well, since the Internet was invented.  A couple of weeks ago while cleaning out some old files, I found a few things and decided to spend a few weeks talking about memes that I first encountered in 1995.

My final entry is about The Purity Test.

A college dorm is some sort of primordial hormone soup, especially when you’re a freshmen.  Whereas you may have “hooked up” from time to time in high school, it was never to the extent that you do, or at least try to do, during your first year of college.  Okay, I should say “other” people do because when I started college I was at the first serious girlfriend stage that most guys are when they are freshmen in high school.  But my track record as a terribly late bloomer aside, it did seem like conversations about love and sex were everywhere and completely unavoidable.  In fact, sometimes they got intellectual, like the time a few people from one of my survey classes and I spent a Saturday night in a dorm room having our own version of Plato’s Symposium.  And that’s not a double entendre; we actually had an intellectual and philosophical discussion about love and sex … at least until it got interrupted by our gawking at the fire in Gardens A across the street.

Anyway, the quickest way to discussion about sex with the purity test.  Forwarded around at about the same time as the rest of the forwards I’ve looked at (for some reason, by spring semester and then in subsequent years, forwards would become less common, probably because the novelty wore off), this 100-question test was meme as group activity.  I remember printing copies out and taking it in a group of about ten people then comparing scores.  I think you were supposed to shoot for somewhere in the middle–a high score got you ridiculed as a virgin while a low score got you derided as a slut–although I don’t know why any score was ever a mark of distinction.  It’s not like “Hey, let’s lower that purity test score” was ever a successful pickup line, and there was more distinction in successfully completing the acrobatics necessary to have sex in an extra-long twin bed than a score on a test.

I haven’t looked at this list of questions in a good decade and a half, so I have no idea what my score would be (or honestly what it was at the time).  If you’re curious, you can take it yourself.

The Purity Test

Ok this purity test is almost a prerequisite for entering college, and I’m quite interested to see how all of my innocent friends score. Write back and tell me your score – how pure are you?

Scoring is as follows: In the “score sheet” provided, check off all the boxes for questions that you answered “no”.  Add all those up.  That’s your percent purity. “MOS” means “member of the opposite sex.” All sexual activity questions must be scored after puberty.

Have you ever:

  1. had a date?
  2. had a blind date?
  3. been out on a date past 4 a.m.?
  4. danced cheek to cheek?
  5. kissed an MOS?
  6. engaged in definitely sexual activity on the first date?
  7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position?
  8. kissed an MOS in the last three months?
  9. been French kissed?
  10. had or given a hickey?
  11.  necked?
  12. necked for more than two hours consecutively?
  13. seen a naked post-pubescent MOS?
  14. been seen naked by an MOS after puberty?
  15. seen a stripper?
  16. had an orgasm?
  17. had an erection, clitoral erection?
  18. been engaged or married?
  19. read a pornographic book or magazine?
  20. seen a pornographic movie?
  21. had and alcoholic drink?
  22. been drunk?
  23. used alcohol to lower an MOS’s resistance?
  24. had a loss of consciousness due to drinking?
  25. smoked tobacco?
  26. smoked pot or hashish?
  27. used cocaine?
  28. used LSD, PCP, heroin, or mushrooms?
  29. used four or more recreational drugs in one night?
  30. been arrested?
  31. been convicted of a crime?
  32. massaged, been massaged by an MOS?
  33. caressed or kissed an MOS’s thigh?
  34. fondled a girl’s breast, had your breasts fondled?
  35. fondled an MOS’s butt?
  36. fondled an MOS’s genitals?
  37. had your genitals fondled?
  38. had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS?
  39. manipulated an MOS to orgasm?
  40. showered, bathed, jacuzzied, or saunaed with an MOS?
  41. gone coed skinny-dipping?
  42. undressed or been undressed by an MOS?
  43. had sexual intercourse?
  44. had sexual intercourse more than ten times?
  45. had sexual intercourse with a virgin?
  46. had sexual intercourse outdoors?
  47. had sexual intercourse three or more times in one night?
  48. had sexual intercourse in three or more positions?
  49. had sexual intercourse in a car?
  50. had sexual intercourse with two MOSs within 24 hours?
  51. had sexual intercourse  using a condom?
  52. had sexual intercourse during menstruation?
  53. had sexual intercourse at the MOS’s parents’ house?
  54. had sexual intercourse with 3 or more people separately?
  55. had sexual intercourse continuously for 1/2 hour?
  56. had sexual intercourse within the last three months?
  57. had anal intercourse?
  58. purchased contraceptives in a drugstore?
  59. had an abortion?
  60. traveled over 100 miles for the sole purpose of intercourse?
  61. described a sexual experience to a third party?
  62. spent the night in an MOS’s room?
  63. slept with an MOS?
  64. been propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp?
  65.  accepted?
  66. engaged in cunnilingus?
  67. engaged in fellatio?
  68. committed statutory rape?
  69. gone 69?
  70. tasted semen?
  71. unintentionally interrupted a couple in a state of undress?
  72. masturbated?
  73. masturbated with another person in the room?
  74. masturbated to a picture?
  75. been caught masturbating?
  76. watched another person masturbate?
  77. simulated intercourse with an inanimate object?
  78. been propositioned by a homosexual?
  79. accepted?
  80. picked up a strange MOS for sexual purposes?
  81. experimented sexually before puberty?
  82. had a Wassermann VD test?
  83. had VD?
  84. shacked up with an MOS for a month or more?
  85. committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?
  86. engaged in intercourse in a public place?
  87. engaged in intercourse with an unconscious person?
  88. impregnated a woman, been pregnant?
  89. committed incest?
  90. engaged in group sex?
  91. fondled a pre-pubescent MOS when you were post-pubescent?
  92. engaged in transvestitism for sexual enjoyment?
  93. been sexually fondled by a member of the same sex?
  94.  orally stimulated a member of the same sex?
  95. used a form of sexual lubricant?
  96. engaged in bondage?
  97. engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?
  98. committed an act of voyeurism?
  99. visited an orgy parlor or strip club?
  100. committed bestiality?
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