I have little to no experience with Italian horror films. I mean, if I am being completely honest, I don’t have a ton of horror movie experience overall. I was easily scared as a kid and kept my distance from horror flicks while at the same time always found myself lingering over the boxes of horror movies at the video store. I’ve written about this before, but those boxes were almost pornographically alluring–this was the stuff only my dad was allowed to rent, and maybe I would catch a glimpse of it if I walked into the room while he was watching it.
Such was the case with The Church, a late 1980s film produced by Dario Argento and directed by Michele Soavi, which my dad rented at random sometime in 1990 or so and which my friends and I happened to catch the last half of one afternoon when he was home watching it (probably because he’d fallen asleep watching it the night before and needed to return the rental). Back then, my experience with horror was limited to The Lost Boys, Fright Night, Carrie, and bits and pieces of horror movies that would air on TV, such as Dracula: Prince of Darkness.
I don’t think I understood what was going on when I watched The Church nearly 30 years ago and the movie didn’t scare me, but two images stuck with me: a woman painted with weird symbols being put on an altar so that she could have ritualistic sex with a demon, and a naked woman making out with a demon who is grabbing her naked behind. A couple of years later, I saw the latter image–which was Boris Vallejo’s “Vampire’s Kiss”–on some guy’s T-shirt when I was at Mission Beach in San Diego.
But I never saw The Church again, even in my browsing through the more random depths of the video stores of my youth and even when I had gotten over my trepidation about horror and rented some of the classics. In fact, I had forgotten it had existed until I began compiling my list of topics for this blog and had thrown it into my Netflix queue where it lay buried until it showed up on the mail a few weeks ago.
Which segues into my very brief summary of the movie’s plot: The Tetonic Knights slaughter a village of Satan worshippers, although one of them (played by a tween-aged Asia Argento) escapes. They bury the bodies and over the years, a gothic cathedral is built on top of it. Flash forward to modern day where a small group of main characters both accidentally and deliberately brings about the chain of events that will unleash the evil contained underneath. All that stands between that evil and our world is Father Gus (Hugh Quarshie–Castigir from Highlander), who seems to be the only person in the entire film not possessed, driven insane, or otherwise affected by the coming evil.
This is not a movie that you watch for its story or for its character beats. This is a movie you watch because when things get going, a lot of really weird shit happens. People get possessed and rip out their own organs, they get impaled, they have sex with demons, they use other people’s severed heads to ring church bells–it’s almost like the writers sat around a room and brainstormed the hell out of what you could do to a group of people trapped in a demonically possessed gothic cathedral.
It’s not an all-time great movie, but I did find that The Church still stuck with me all these years later, much like it had in the 30 minutes or so that I saw back in 1990. As of my writing this post, it’s not available on a streaming service, but a Blu-Ray was released earlier this year that apparently cleaned up some of the picture issues seen on the DVD and may have even remastered the sound (if there’s one thing you have to get used to, it’s the amount of dialogue that was obviously looped in post-production). I’d check it out if you’re a fan of schlocky, crazy horror or really like gothic cathedrals.
It is an extra-sized episode and an extra-sized issue as The ‘Nam hits issue #75. In four different stories that take us in country and back again, we look at events and perspectives surrounding the My Lai massacre. Creators in this one include original ‘Nam writer Doug Murray, Scott Lobdell, Don Lomax, Mike Harris, Jimmy Palmiotti, and Herb Trimpe.
Its the SEVENTH AND FINAL EPISODE of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I wrap up my look at syndicated television of the 1980s and early 1990s with a look at a show that was a worldwide phenomenon and one of the ultimate examples of a syndicated television series. It’s the legendary David Hasselhoff series BAYWATCH. I take a look at a few episodes from the show’s third season, where Nicole Eggert, Pamela Anderson, and David Charvet joined the cast. It’s lifeguards making rescues and trying to navigate a high school where the queen bee is … Jessie Spano? Oh yes. It’s amazing.
It’s the sixth episode of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I continue my look at syndicated television from the 1980s and 1990s with a look at the “drama” category, which encompasses action, science fiction, and horror. I’m joined by friend and fellow podcaster Michael Bailey (Views from the Longbox) to talk about everything from Friday the 13th: The Series to Highlander.
It’s the fifth episode of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I continue my look at syndicated television from the 1980s and 1990s with a look at cartoons. Join me and Amanda (for her final appearance on the miniseries) for a look back at our childhoods and classics like He-Man, G.I. Joe, TMNT, Voltron, Jem, My Little Pony, Thundercats, and many more!
“Siege at An Loc” concludes as Ed Marks continues to experience the 1972 Easter Offensive in a story by Don Lomax and Wayne Vansant. Plus, we continue to go “Stateside,” this time catching up with Sgt. Poklow from the original run of the series. I also have a look at season 3 of China Beach.
It’s the fourth episode of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I continue my look at syndicated television from the 1980s and 1990s with a look at game shows. Join me and Amanda as we talk about everything from Jeopardy! to the $100,000 Pyramid and take our discussion beyond syndication for a look at Double Dare, Press Your Luck, and Supermarket Sweep!
It’s the third episode of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I continue my look at syndicated television from the 1980s and 1990s with a look at a category known as “Infotainment,” which includes news programs, sports programs, entertainment journalism, and talk shows. Join me and Amanda as we talk about everything from The George Michael Sports Machine to A Current Affair and The Oprah Winfrey Show.
It’s the second episode of the seven-part miniseries IT CAME FROM SYNDICATION! This time around, I continue my look at syndicated television from the 1980s and early 1990s with a look at that bastion of American television, sitcoms. From Throb to Out of This World to Small Wonder, I’ll be looking at the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to half-hour comedies on the non-network channels.
Pop Culture Affidavit 